I decided to write about topics that are left unspoken because I want to show myself to the World as I am. Naked. Honest. Open and vulnarable. Finally I know that I am best possible just the way I am and that I don't need to pretend to be anything else but what I am.

I am a former Anorexic and Bulimic. I said former because I don't have food addiction for 7 or 8 years now. I don't think about it through the whole day. It doesn't cumber me. I eat when I am hungry. I like to eat microbiotic food (I prepare it on my own), but also I often buy a bagel at next doors bakery even though it is not the healthies thing to do  I put an effort to feel okay with that. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I wish that I don't like candies, that I don't eat buns from the bakery and that in the morning I could eat real grains and not their processed form cereals. And sometimes I am happy because in the morning I eat oatmeal cereals or integral cornmash with soy-rice milk. I am so proud because that is pleasure to me and not a burden or disavowal.

I am not perfect and I could be a better mother to my own body, but currently I am not. Currently I am just a good enough mother but I have enough love for myself and a lot of rebelion to make my life better.
Few days ago I encountered with a stories of anorexic and bulimic girls on some forum and I started to remember how a long time ago I was looking for a help and I couldn't find it anywhere. That is what pursued me to write about myself, I don't want this topic to remain tabu.

Girls, there is a way out. That is what I am trying to say. There is a way out. Demon that is inside of your heads is just a part of you, but it is not a real you. And... yes, I know it is powerful and that in this very moment it has taken 90-99% of your being, but there is a way to weaken the demon and to bring back your true self. I will tell you story of my own but then the decission is on you... Buimia started at the beginning of University. I can't even remeber how or why. I remember having an opstipation problems even in high school and I know that I have always tried to solve my digestion problems. I m not sure, however, that was a reason for bulimia.

Btw, I poorly remember that period of my life at University, I remember the emotions very well but not the events. I always felt a pressure that I need to do something, that I am not satisfactory, that it is never good enough, I had a feeling of disguise, shame and I was so frustated because of hiding. And that fake feeling of power because I can live to parallel lives. One life was the ordinary one, but the other was secret and just mine. Dark. Cruel. Hopeless.

And then I decided to get out of the hell. I asked for a help of my two good friends but they couldn't handle me that way. It was just too much for them. However, they gave me a phone number of one very well known psychiatrist in Zagreb. It was so hard for me to get into his office and say: „I am a bulimic for 5 years now, nobody knows that and I am falling apart.“ Psychiatrist told me to sit down, he gave me vitamin B shot in my butt and told me to come on a check-up in 2 months. I felt like my whole World has just collapsed. I said something for what I thought I would rather die than say it, and he didn't even look at me. That feeling of being invisible has followed me througout my whole life. I was always invisilble. This was just the final blow.
I was too much for my girlfriends to bare, the doctor didn't even look at me… The demon inside me mut be right, I am bad, and I will never succeed in my life because bad people do not succeed.
At the time I was plausible student of Faculty of Physical education, aerobic trainer. Healthy spirit in a healthy body! I looked good. People would come to me every day with questions how to loose weight, how to get appropriate nutrition. I knew every theory, from macrobiotic to sports diet, but I couldn't help to myself.

Every day was a new chance to say „No more from today“, but every day as also a failure because the drive was too strong and I couldn't resist it. Every failure was like I was dying each time. I was at the bottom and teared up between what and how to eat today, when to throw up between all obligations I loaded myself with not to feel anything, so nobody could notice. If I would stop for a moment I would hear that demonic voice in my head saying I am not worth it, I am disgusting, pugh! You will never make it! Who would want you like that? If you addmit it to somebody you will become a mockery and everybody will throw you away! You villian! You really are a garbage of a society! But then something happend inside of me. I decided to start talking (I was so brave!). I remember saying to my friend „I am bulimic“ while chocking in tears. I felt like having a dumpling in my throat and I was chocking in all the emotions that were comming out. She hugged me and told me the fateful words: „Everything is going to be all right“ The love has happened. She saw me. She didn't throw me away. And I saw the light after so many hopeless years.

I prayed. I talked. And I kept receiving hugs. I found a partner to whom I was perfect just the way I was. I started fighting back the demon inside of me, but even when I was defeated by the demon I managed to hug myself or to ask for consolation from my partner.

I started to go to therapy in a group that became my family. Family Snowlion. At the family I fixed everything that was once wrong and resolved all the hidden problems. At the group I relized that everybody had their own demons, they weren't like mine but also not that different. Asthma, alcoholism, pathological jelaousy, depression, tahicardia, Chrons disease, eating disorders.

All of those are calls for our souls to stop for a moment, to listen and take responsibility for establishing love for ourselves.
And finally, healling was happening.

And it is happening today and it will happen as long as I am in this body. I am going to heal the parts of my self that need to be healed, because that is my path, the path of change. It is a transformation of fear into love. I intent to be a good enough mother to my body and by that a good example to my child and people who I work with. I can change only myself, not the others. But the others can change themselves in a contact with me and that is why I ws born. To be in a contact with people who want me.To ask them questions and follow their healling process.

I intent to live by that Ghandis' saying: „Be the change you wish to see“. I intent to build peace and love inside of me, with myself and with everything around me. I know I can build a better place for myself and for everybody else who wants the same thing. And I know that is the only way. I know that everything starts from me. From inside out. Everything that is inside of me at a certain way is translated in my little universe. When I am negative, then I meet negative people, negative situations and negative experiences. When I am positive, I meet the right people at the right places at the right time and the life becomes a miracle.

Beuatiful miracle that develops more with each day.

With love, Gorana.




If you wish to contact Gorana Radetić that lives in Osijek and work as a physical therapist at a Self help Centrehttp://centarom.pondi.hr you can reach her at udruga.intuita@gmail.com.